Today is cycle day forty. I still haven’t began taking the Provera to induce a period, either. I want to give up today. I want to throw in the towel and to pretend that I don’t have any interest in conceiving a child. I want to throw my hands in the air and laugh it off like there was some sort of anecdotal miscommunication between my body and my mind.
I told my boss today that I will only be working three days a week beginning in August. My husband told me to just put in my notice, that I have enough stress in my life. He is right about stress, but work isn’t the primary source. I miss Eva. Until she gets back nothing is normal or stress-free. I worry every time I get a text or a phone call that it might be from her father with some sort of new angle to try to keep her longer. Then I worry that instead it will be her father telling me it isn’t working out and that I need to come get her right away. Neither scenario is any better or worse, really. Both thoughts make my stomach turn. I have tears stinging my eyes several times daily just thinking of her 1500 miles away from me. Every time there is a new Facebook post from her father that doesn’t include her in the picture I panic all over again about whether she is being treated well or not.
I’m hoping my stress level reduces once she is home. Another reason to reduce my workload is so I can spend more time with her before school starts. I missed out on an entire month of fun with her.
Something else stressing me out is while I’m trying to silently give in to infertility, my body is doing strange things. My breasts hurt, again. I have been weepy for a couple days now. The weeping is usually the first indicator of cycle day one just around the corner, but I have also been getting strange twinges of pain in my lower abdomen. I know cramps very well, and this is not cramps. It makes me want to give in to my urge to pee on a stick to confirm, again, that I’m not pregnant.
My husband desperately wants to buy a house, any house. He is tired of renting, period. We have the same argument every two weeks as another home in our area is put up for sale. I am determined to pay off our car before we purchase a home. It is just more financially feasible for us to free up that car payment money in case we need it before we purchase a home. He is equally determined that we don’t need to pay off the car first. Today, as he showed me yet another house he wants to go look at (not even in the area in which I wish to live), I wanted to give in. I wanted to say do what you think is best, just leave me out of it. Tell me when it’s time to move.
However, right now, I am sucking it up, raising my chin, and preparing for another round. I will not give in today. I will not give in tomorrow. I desperately want another baby of my own. I will not give in to infertility. I will not give in to worry about Eva because I know she is a strong kid. I will not give in to guilt about anything at all, including my job.
Sorry, husband, but I also will not be giving in to buying a home yet, either.
You know, peeing on one little stick in the morning can’t hurt, right?
No, I will not give in.