That’s right, today is cycle day thirty-seven. I picked up my prescription for Provera to induce a period, I wasted another pregnancy test to make my OB/gyn happy, I said some prayers, and then I tried to forget it all. And still no cycle day one for me.
I picked up the Provera, but I haven’t started taking it. I’m feeling a little lost. I usually have a pretty good sense of direction, in every sense of the phrase, but right now I feel like I got turned around and I can’t find east, west, north, or south.
It always helps taking the Provera and beginning a new cycle. It helps physically because usually I end up losing a little bit of weight during my period and I just feel better overall. Beginning a new period helps emotionally, of course, because I feel like this time, this cycle, might be THE cycle.
This time I’m hesitating, though. I wonder if continued intervention is really helping anything or somehow making it worse. I’m sure another few days I will end up changing my mind and take the Provera anyway. I’m tired of feeling like I am in limbo. I don’t have any answers or next steps. Everything is status quo.
My heart keeps breaking and then hardening a little more each month that nothing happens. I’m trying very hard to keep myself hopeful and open to whatever God has in store for me.
My heart just hurts right now.