Positivity. Ugh. Why is it so difficult to look at the glass and say it is half full, instead of half empty?
Even as I have finally had a reprieve in the ovary battles (Aunt Flo dropped in without drug inducement), I find the negativity creeping in, seeping into my thoughts. Work has not been overly difficult or unpleasant, but there is definitely an adjustment period happening for me. I have to learn to shut it off, that work-mode where I worry about all the details that need my attention. I worry. A lot. This results in a lot of insomnia.
My doctor called today to check on me. She was on vacation last week when I called to report I was cycling independently. She was so excited to hear that maybe the Clomid did at least have some positive effect on my body. As we were figuratively patting each other on the back for our first step toward success, in creeped the negativity.
What about next month? What if I still don’t ovulate even though I FINALLY had a period on my own? What if this moment of success makes the next moment of failure more painful to endure? What if I don’t ovulate, and I don’t cycle independently again? What if I do ovulate, but I don’t end up pregnant?
As these thoughts invade, I have to take a deep breath. Worrying about these things accomplishes nothing. Worrying about work at midnight when I have to be up in five hours accomplishes nothing.
So instead of all the negativity, I am trying to take joy in the victories and accomplishments. The small things in life are important. I am trying to take a lesson from my six-year-old daughter. All of her artwork features the little things in life that make her happy, like sunshine, rainbows, butterflies, and kittens.