This is day five of my wonderful new journey at work. Day five, and close to fifty hours worked already. Wonderful is a very relative, loosely interpreted term in my household, by the way. I have noticed that I seem in be in the early stages of dementia, apparently. Or something that is mimicking dementia.
This morning as I was sleeping in, attempting to make up for the long hours and sleep loss over the last five days, I woke up repeatedly remembering something else that still needed to be completed at work. When I finally awoke for the day, I discovered my phone in my hand with an unintelligible, half-drafted memo open, mocking me silently I’m sure. I have had to look at the date on my phone repeatedly today to remind myself that today is Wednesday, not Friday, as my poor, sleep-deprived brain is wishing. I am off today, but by noon I couldn’t stand it anymore. I called the office to check on the progress of the list I had left the night before. While on my way out the door to pick up my daughter from school, I tried to lock my front door with my set of keys for work. While waiting in the pick-up line at my daughter’s school, I got exactly five text messages and two phone calls concerning work.
Yes, I realize I might have a problem. I might be obsessing a bit about work at the moment. No, I don’t think I can change that right now, however. Not if I want to keep my job or do my job the way it should be done. Even though I’m not completely sure why right this second, I know I do indeed want to keep my job.
Up to this point, I have avoided taking on serious challenges at work. I keep avoiding getting my wedding ring sized as well, even though since my weight loss it is almost falling off my finger. I haven’t purchased new jeans either. I have been delaying all these things for one reason…once I’m pregnant everything will be different.
I didn’t want the promotion at work, I had even turned it down a couple of times. Once I have a baby, I don’t plan on working at all. Based on how things went with my daughter, I thought that getting my ring sized down would just be a waste of money for now. By the third trimester of my pregnancy, I couldn’t even fit my ring on my finger. And furthermore, why should I buy smaller pants when I will be pregnant anytime now and need the extra room?
I got tired of putting things off. I haven’t given up hoping that my body will straighten out and I will be pregnant any month now, but I have given up arranging our lives around this hope. I have to say, it is relieving.
Except for one thing, however. I have this fear that nags at the edge of my consciousness that says, “What if all this working and stress is only messing up your hormones even more?”
Well, I will keep ignoring that little fear for now. I realize I am filling that infertility obsession with a new one, but I think that is okay for now. I like what I do, and I do it well. It still feels good to succeed for now.