It’s Only Wednesday

This is day five of my wonderful new journey at work.  Day five, and close to fifty hours worked already.  Wonderful is a very relative, loosely interpreted term in my household, by the way.  I have noticed that I seem in be in the early stages of dementia, apparently.  Or something that is mimicking dementia.  

This morning as I was sleeping in, attempting to make up for the long hours and sleep loss over the last five days, I woke up repeatedly remembering something else that still needed to be completed at work.  When I finally awoke for the day, I discovered my phone in my hand with an unintelligible, half-drafted memo open, mocking me silently I’m sure.  I have had to look at the date on my phone repeatedly today to remind myself that today is Wednesday, not Friday, as my poor, sleep-deprived brain is wishing.  I am off today, but by noon I couldn’t stand it anymore.  I called the office to check on the progress of the list I had left the night before.  While on my way out the door to pick up my daughter from school, I tried to lock my front door with my set of keys for work.  While waiting in the pick-up line at my daughter’s school, I got exactly five text messages and two phone calls concerning work. 

Yes, I realize I might have a problem.  I might be obsessing a bit about work at the moment.  No, I don’t think I can change that right now, however.  Not if I want to keep my job or do my job the way it should be done.  Even though I’m not completely sure why right this second, I know I do indeed want to keep my job.

Up to this point, I have avoided taking on serious challenges at work.  I keep avoiding getting my wedding ring sized as well, even though since my weight loss it is almost falling off my finger.  I haven’t purchased new jeans either.  I have been delaying all these things for one reason…once I’m pregnant everything will be different.  

I didn’t want the promotion at work, I had even turned it down a couple of times.  Once I have a baby, I don’t plan on working at all.  Based on how things went with my daughter, I thought that getting my ring sized down would just be a waste of money for now.  By the third trimester of my pregnancy, I couldn’t even fit my ring on my finger.  And furthermore, why should I buy smaller pants when I will be pregnant anytime now and need the extra room?

I got tired of putting things off.  I haven’t given up hoping that my body will straighten out and I will be pregnant any month now, but I have given up arranging our lives around this hope.  I have to say, it is relieving.

Except for one thing, however.  I have this fear that nags at the edge of my consciousness that says, “What if all this working and stress is only messing up your hormones even more?”

Well, I will keep ignoring that little fear for now.  I realize I am filling that infertility obsession with a new one, but I think that is okay for now.  I like what I do, and I do it well.  It still feels good to succeed for now. 

 

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3 Replies to “It’s Only Wednesday”

  1. I recently let myself stop living my life around the hope that something is going to happen soon, i.e. a baby, and since then I have become so calm and positive. It’s ridiculous really that I didn’t do it sooner! I know that when a baby comes along, and it will, I can rearrange my life again if I need to. Try not to worry too much about working more and stress as this will inevitably make you more stressed, easier said than done I know. Wishing you all the best. D xx

    1. Thanks so much. I think reading everyone’s blogs is helping me reach these decisions a little quicker than I would on my own. I really do enjoy my career, so most times it is more exciting than stressful. I’m just embracing it right now.

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