Unexpected, Expected

This weekend has felt much longer than a mere two days.  I am full of anticipation about wonderful, although challenging, things to come at work.  The next two days will be educational, exciting, trying, and exhilarating all at once.

My focus has been unwavering, even as I work alongside a couple of pregnant coworkers.  My focus has been unwavering, as long as I stay at work.  Once I leave work and begin my journey home, however, I go back to the inevitable.

This is cycle day 28, and nothing is happening today.  I have been hoping my body will cycle on its own.  Yesterday, I even had signs and began to think that my body would indeed begin a new cycle without any shoving from me or my doctor.   

Last night as I went to bed, I fully expected a brand new cycle would greet me this morning.  Instead, I got nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch. 

I feel tricked, again.  I even took a pregnancy test this morning, just in case my body is playing the ultimate trick on me.  Negative.

My uncooperative body has recently conditioned me to expect nothing, no changes or progress.  Not that I have given up hope, only that I do not give in to wishful thinking and alter my expectations.  At least, that’s what I thought.  I had thought I had managed to gain a bit of distance from the situation, and from this perspective I could easily manage my expectations, keep the disappointment at bay.

Yesterday, I had just a couple small signs that my body was finally cooperating.  I felt that finally God had granted me a small reprieve.  A couple small things, that was all I needed to alter my expectations. 

I lost my objectivity so quickly.  That distance I was so proud of creating was instantly gone.  Here I am, again, saddened by my lack of progress, disappointed with myself for playing this silly game, again.  Disappointed with my body for lying to me, again.

Tomorrow is a new day, though.  I grieve in this moment, but tomorrow I move on.  Life goes on.


4 Replies to “Unexpected, Expected”

    1. It is indeed. Everything infertility feels like it eats my time and energy, while at other times I feel like time has come to a stand still. Thanks for the hugs. Hugs for you as well.

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