Sometimes things just take me by surprise. Anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows that sudden, gut-punched, deflated feeling…that feeling I get when I remember someone I have lost. The most unexpected things bring back a memory, and I find myself wanting to linger in that moment of remembrance and grief. It is simultaneously wonderful and excruciating.
It’s what happens next that makes me wish that these moments didn’t happen, or at least, that these moments would only happen at the most convenient times. I cry like a baby.
I hate crying.
Once the crying starts, then the anger begins because I’m crying, AGAIN. Aren’t we supposed to evolve? Adapt? Shouldn’t that change things like, the crying? Shouldn’t a couple episodes of crying be sufficiently cathartic to guarantee no more crying over the same person or persons? Maybe I’m the only weirdo out there that expects something to change. Maybe that’s really the issue here, not that I always end up crying, but that I keep thinking that my crying will somehow change, lessen, or cease.
Grief is such a misunderstood word. I think most of the world understands the dictionary definition of grief, that isn’t my meaning. I try to remind myself that my losses happened months and years ago, that my grief is complete. I tell my brain that I am a sane, rational, logical person. I grieved. I followed the appropriate steps….denial, anger, something something, acceptance, or whatever. I did what was expected, then I put grief in this nice, neat, little box and I expect it to stay there. Yeah, right.
That’s how I ended up crying in the middle of The Amazing Spiderman 2, in the middle of a movie theater. A feeling, a memory, was triggered and here comes grief, bursting out of its little box.
All that random, unstoppable crying takes me where? Somewhere healthier? Somewhere with a lot less crying? I can’t keep the scornful laugh out of my thoughts. I’m doing it again. I am instantly trying to put my grief back in its little box again, and I’m simultaneously expecting something to change.
Maybe it is time to be okay with grief.